Don’t settle

If you’re divorced like me, you have heard this said by well-meaning friends and family and you’re probably rolling your eyes right now. I get it. “Don’t settle!” feels trite and saccharin and like an easy way out of offering real advice.

But here’s the thing…it is good advice, but maybe not for the reasons you’d initially think!

Usually, we’re told not to settle when we’re dating after divorce. And it’s a good reminder to not let the desire to have a partner drag us into unhealthy relationships. It doesn’t mean we can’t date broken people, because let’s face it, if that were a requirement no one would be dateable (hot mess here is speaking about herself!). It does mean that we shouldn’t change who we fundamentally are just to be with someone, or tolerate behavior that is toxic.

Definition of insanity

After my unwanted divorce, I wanted to be married again so much that I hit the apps with a vengeance. I hitched my star to someone who was completely unhealed from his own trauma and I was hurt even more. Then I did it again. Then again. You know what they say about the definition of insanity, so I won’t insult you (or embarrass myself) by repeating it here, but wow, did I make some poor choices in that first year after my divorce. Choices that really set me back on my healing journey to the tune of years, not weeks or months. 

Now, I want to be clear…the guys I attached to were not bad dudes. But, they were not the right dudes for me. I was willing to settle, not in the form of taking a lesser person…but in the form of changing who I was and what I wanted in order to be the person they wanted (we’ll talk all about red flags and deal breakers in another post, but here I’m talking about points of incompatibility). This is a form of settling, because if you can’t be true to yourself, then you’re not living in the purpose God created you for.

If you’re not living your purpose, you will be unfulfilled. Sure, it might feel good to have someone to watch a movie with on Saturday nights, or grab coffee with after church, but if you have to sacrifice who God made you to be in order to keep it, is it really worth it? Or is it possible there might be someone else out there that you don’t have to change so drastically for? 

 An example from my life…AKA What not to do

An example might be helpful here…I dated someone who I did not align with at all on work/life balance, which is a key area of compatibility that couples should align on for the most part. So, what did I do? I changed. I reworked my life to fit his preferences and in the process I lost out on some opportunities I had been really excited about. I was ok with it at the time because I wasn’t alone. But then he dumped me. I no longer had the dude and I no longer was pursuing my dreams.

I felt lost. Not just rejected by a guy, but by myself–even worse. I took a piece of me that was integral to my identity and changed it, or rather put on a mask to hide it, in order to gain the favor of another person and in the end I lost both. Ouch. 

This kind of stuff happens all the time in relationships, and it’s not ok. I’m not saying we should never do things we don’t want to do or compromise in a relationship. Of course not! But, if you’re changing one of your core values and pieces of who you are to make another person happy, you won’t be happy in the long run. You’ll settle. And that’s worse than being single.

I say that as someone who has mostly been single for the past 2+ years. Someone who wants to be partnered so much, but yet, I can now see the madness in trying to fit myself to someone else’s mold. See, I fully believe there’s a guy out there in the world who will love all of me. My ambition, my faith, my humor, my affection…I don’t need to be someone I’m not in order to attract the right guy. He will see me as I am and won’t set out to change so much about me. We will grow together and change in ways that promote growth because we’ll both be healing and helping each other heal. I believe this for me. I also believe it for you. 

So, if you’re stuck in the rut of trying to decide whether to change the fundamentals of who you are to keep someone in your life, be brave, don’t settle, trust God, trust yourself, and keep moving forward.