Pity Party for One

I’m in a bad mood today. A melancholy mood. A woe is me, why is life like this kind of mood. It didn’t start out that way. But here I am, halfway through what I thought was going to be a good and productive day, and instead I’m feeling stuck. 

Do you notice that when life isn’t going as planned you can make it worse with the way you think about things? Do you notice that all it takes sometimes is one little nagging thought to get into your brain and then you’re suddenly sitting at the head of the table at a pity party for one? All hail the queen of despair! 

Today got off to a simple start. I had a cup of coffee, and read my Bible. Next, I did a barre workout, got ready for my day and then…well, that’s kind of where my day derailed. It’s not like I don’t have things to do. It’s not like I couldn’t be working on a million things right now, but there are emails I’ve sent out that have gone unanswered, auditions I’ve submitted that seem to have been rejected or just ignored, and promises that were made to me that seem to now be forgotten. As I ruminate over that stuff, I start thinking about how I feel invisible. No one is noticing me! No one cares if I live or die! And then the doozy of a thought that always takes me under the tidal wave came in for a crash landing – my own husband who was supposed to love and cherish me, and who knows me better than anyone else doesn’t even want to be with me, so why would anyone be interested in anything I do? 

I know the answer to this – The answer is that it’s untrue. That God put me here for a reason. There is a purpose for everything that is happening in my life—even when it feels like there’s not. Even when things hurt and it seems like no one notices—God notices. God sees every tear that falls (and there have been so many of them lately). God’s got this. 

While I know this is true, it’s hard to live like it is. I keep reminding myself of the truth of God’s concern for me, but if I’m totally honest, I’m also thinking, “Well, if I really am important to God, why isn’t He giving me any of the stuff I’m asking for? I mean, just one tiny thing…Please?” I do believe that everything happens according to God’s plan, and that His timing is perfect, but that doesn’t stop me from refreshing email on my phone like my life depended on it —willing someone to please.just.write.back. I do know that God loves me, but sometimes I wonder if He loves other people more. 

I feel guilty admitting this, because I know it’s not the “Christian” attitude to have. I know I’m supposed to tell you that I’m happy in the waiting, and that I have some profound words to share with you that have been revealed to me by God about this very thing. If I was behaving as a “Christian” I’d have a smile permanently plastered to my face and when anyone asks me how I feel, I’d recite a Bible verse or two, right? I say wrong! I believe that God understands when we have questions or doubts, hurts and fears, and loves us anyway. 

For those that would label me a double-minded woman based on my admission, let me share this: Even when I have these feelings, I never doubt the truth of who God is and what He has done in my life. But, sometimes the pity party for one invites me to the table, and instead of sending my regrets, I sit down and partake. Should I do this? No. But does it happen? Yes. 

I do not claim to be a perfect Christian, a holier than thou preacher on a pedestal, or a know-it all of spiritual things. I am just a woman suffering through a painful divorce, and feeling rejected by just about everyone both personally and professionally today. I know that God is with me, but that doesn’t mean that today doesn’t hurt, because it does. 

I also know that even when I’m feeling all these things, God is in control and He really truly does care for me. Even when it feels like everyone’s against me, I know in my heart that the Creator of the universe is for me, and that’s all I really need to know.